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Standard Golf Rules

 Preamble

In an attempt to bring fun and entertainment to a sport that has been ruled for hundreds of years by decorum and civility, the following set of rules has been formulated to be used by the millions of people who can't play the game worth a damn and don't care who knows it. These rules are designed to simplify play and to allow for an incredibly good time in a sport that can really frustrate a person. It's important for anyone who plays the game of golf to understand that there is no real  reason for the game at all, it was merely invented to waste several hours of time when you should really be doing something constructive anyway.

For all of these many years, the serious players of the sport have spent countless hours devising a set of rules that govern the sport and allow for a reasonable level of enjoyment by the players. In contrast, these standard golf rules have been made up over just a few years and are carefully designed to eliminate any basic tenants of the sport whatsoever. Therefore, these rules are designed to eliminate the possibility of an illogical rule or two that may possibly interfere with anyone having a good time at golf.

So therefore, be it resolved, that it's time to head for the links, grab a dozen balls and a dozen beers, and swing your heart out. Remember, golf was invented fore everyone to have a good time.

    
Section 1-Attitude

1. Standard golf shall be played with participants that understand that the fundamental reason for the game is to have a good time. Seriousness shall be greatly discouraged.

2. It is imperative that the spirit of standard golf be one of total non- competitiveness. Any comments or attitudes that are not in this light shall be prohibited. Any comparison of scores that are made to see who "won" shall be subject to punitive action by the standard golf secretary.

3. Any round of golf played after the hour of 12 noon shall be under the influence of alcohol.

4. Remember, a bad round of golf is better than a good day at work.

5. Under no circumstances is golf to be played in a business situation. It is expressly forbidden to play with one's boss, a client, or anybody else that may be in a position to have any effect on your life in areas such as social status or income.

6. The underlying thought that should always be in your mind is the fact that, "it just doesn't matter!"

    
Section 2-Pre Round Procedures

1. Calling in for tee-times shall be used only in the most desperate cases. Standard golf shall be played whenever or wherever we damn well please at whatever time we want, on whatever course we can talk our way onto.

2. It is encouraged to wager heavily on each round if possible. The minimum bet per hole shall be $100,000 with the standard bet thereafter double or nothing. All bets shall be settled by check or IOU or welched on, whichever seems most appropriate at the time.

3. Standard golf shall be played at the appointed hour designated by the participants in the round. If a participant is late, he or she will be penalized by one insult from each of the previous arriving participants prior to the first tee off.

    
Section 3-Rules of Play/On the Tee

1. The player with the best score on the previous hole will have honors on the next tee. In the case of the first tee, the player with the sleaziest attitude who crowds in before his friends shall tee off first.

2. A drive off the tee is not considered in the score unless the ball lands in a position that is deemed "playable" by the player or other members of the group. An unlimited number of "mulligans" are allowed subject only to the patience of the following group, the other players in the group, the course marshall, or the course pro, whichever seems most violent.

3. The standard golf tee shall be the white tees or whichever tee seems to allow for the best drive or least amount of reasonable effort. Please remember that this does not mean that play should always be from the ladies tee. This is tacky, and should be avoided.

4. Making jokes, talking on a back swing, or insulting another player's form or shot should be avoided unless your comment is sure to get a good laugh by the rest of the group.

5. When driving, if you note that your ball is going way the heck out in the wrong direction, the proper style of play is to reach into your pocket for another ball and place it on the tee before the first ball hits the ground. The second ball on the tee immediately nullifies the first drive as if it never happened. With luck, the other players will believe that their eyes are going crazy and you never hit the ball the first time anyway.

    
Section 4-Rules of Play/The Fairway

1. Every attempt should be made to play on the fairway except in the circumstances where the course designer has placed out-of-bounds markers in a totally unreasonable location. In that event, the fairway shall be considered to be anywhere that the participants think is "fair", hence the name, "fairway."

2. If a ball should land in an area deemed unplayable (such as the rough), it shall be permissible to relocate a ball to a more favorable lie. It must be noted that the name of the game is to have a good time, (see rule 1.1) and nobody ever has a good time if their ball always lands in the rough. It is suggested that the ball be discreetly moved to a more desirable location, preferably no closer to the hole that can be reached with a size ten golf shoe. Tosses that resemble a throw from the outfield to home plate should be avoided.

3. As always, an unlimited number of mulligans are allowed within a reasonable time frame provided it doesn't get stupid or out of hand. Playing two or three balls on the same hole shall be discouraged as it can lead to excessive frustration and the obvious extra time it takes to pick up all those balls. Remember, some of the other players may want to get to the bar sooner than next week.

4. In the event of a lost ball, all play shall be suspended until the idiot who shagged the ball into an obviously stupid location has exhausted all attempts at a reasonable search. There is no penalty for a lost ball as the lost investment in this valuable commodity is punishment enough for the player. It is encouraged that all players who are searching for a lost ball also keep an eye out for other balls whose owners have given up the search too soon and left them to rot. A player may, at his option, claim a "found ball" as his own and continue play as if nothing had happened.

5. In the event of a ball landing in a water hazard, the same rules that apply to a lost ball shall apply. (See rule 4.4) This also does not carry a penalty as it is really embarrassing to lose your ball in water. If you can retrieve your ball or someone else's with means other that wading into the water then please feel free to go ahead and play. The use of specialized implements to retrieve your ball and any others you may find is encouraged. This is cheaper than going to Costco and buying more of the stupid things. By the way, wading in for lost balls is discouraged unless you are wearing the proper attire and don't mind getting a little wet. It should be noted that this can be dangerous due to the presence of deep mud, unmarked hazards, piranha, and other strange things that may lie under the surface. The use of scuba equipment is authorized, provided that the equipment can fit in your bag without being discovered by the pro.

6. Replacing of divots is always recommended, even if the divot goes farther than the attempted shot. Leaving a course in a mess can leave the player open to ridicule from fellow players. Let's face it, we can't afford to have some hot-shot caddie chase after those stupid things. If you're having trouble with hitting the grass instead of the ball, perhaps you should take up a different sport and leave golf to people who know what they're doing and stop making a fool of yourself.

7. If your ball should land in a sand trap with a lie that looks totally unplayable, please feel free to make another try. Sand is for beaches and has no business on a golf course played by reasonable people. It's messy, gets in your eye, gets on your club, and even on your ball if you're not careful. If you decide to go ahead and try to get it out of the trap by hitting it, there is no penalty for mulligans if the ball doesn't come out of the trap on the first try. As always, the embarrassment of constantly swinging your club in a cloud of sand makes it obvious that you are having a problem, and the additional specter of running up your score does not fit in with the spirit of the game, (see rule 1.1).

8. If you just don't like where your ball is, then it is appropriate to call "pick and place" and put your ball where it should have landed in the first place. This rule begat the phrase "there are no bad golfers, just bad golf lies."

9. Please try to keep an accurate count of the number of strokes that you are taking as it looks a little ridiculous standing around trying to reconstruct your play on the hole after the fact. Most of the other players can probably tell you how many strokes you have taken and may be a little miffed when your score comes in a lot lower than everybody thought it should be. (See scoring, rule 6.1)

    
Section 5-Rules of Play/The Green

1. A putt is not a putt unless it's hit with a putter. Since we always count putts as a method of tracking improvement in the sport, taking as few putts as possible is always important. Never use a putter unless you're on the green itself. The ultimate goal is to have a "zero-putt" on a hole. This happens when you make it into the cup without using a putter. Of course, anyone making a zero-putt is required to purchase liquid refreshments for the entire group. This includes alcoholic beverages within a reasonable amount. It is not expected that a person making a zero putt should foot the bill for an entire afternoon of drinking, but, it is strongly encouraged.

2. There is no such thing as a mulligan on the green. Unless, of course, you know that the ball should have gone in the cup, your friends know your ball should have gone in the cup, God knows your ball should have gone in the cup, so dammit, try it again, and make sure your ball goes in the cup.

3. In the event of a situation that you determine to be a "gimme", it must be noted that you must ask for permission from the rest of the group. The standard phrase is, "that's a gimme, right?", and then immediately pick up your ball. If any other players wish to protest your action, the protest must be lodged between the time that the last syllable of the word "right" comes out of your lips and the moment your ball disappears into your hot little hand. With practice, this move can be made in less that 1/100th of a second totally eliminating the possibility that anyone will argue with you. It is also suggested that you make this statement with a Clint Eastwood accent, a large bulge under your jacket, and your putter held forth in a threatening manner.

    
Section 6-Scoring

1. As the main reason for indulging in the sport of golf is to have a good time, (rule 1.1), the absense of a good score can interfere with this feeling. Therefore, it must be noted that there is no such thing as taking more that 8 strokes per hole. All counting will cease at that time. This is known as a "Standing Eight". Let's be real here, if a player were to get 8 on every hole on a round, that would be 144 strokes. Most people would die if they got over 144 strokes, and we can't be responsible for something as serious as that, now can we?

2. By the way, sometimes the person keeping score gets so involved with the various aspects of the game, that they may forget to write down the score. If you want to know what your score is at the end of the game, you better remember to tell the scorekeeper what your score is and make sure that it is entered on the scorecard at the time of the play. Don't be mad if there is a screw up, it's your own fault, just like the PGA rules say, so there!

    
Section 7-Invoking the Standard Golf Rules

1. If at any point in time there is a discrepancy between your style of play and another player's interpretation of the rules of golf, it is appropriate to look the other player in the eye and state, "standard golf rules apply." If the other player has not read these rules of golf or does not understand them, please feel free to make up something that has even a thread of being plausible. The other player should probably be so totally confused as to not ever bother to investigate whatever the hell you're referring to and play can then continue uninterrupted.

    
Section 8-After the Game

1. It is totally appropriate to spend some time socializing after a round of golf, however, after the scores are added up, all conversation of the game of golf is to cease and desist immediately. Nobody wants to hang around and re-live a round of golf in the clubhouse. It makes it sound like we're a bunch of golf nerds. There's plenty of other things to talk about. All of this is null and void, however, if you've just had the best round of golf in your life and may never have the chance to brag about your talent ever again.

2. Since this section is, appropriately numbered, section 8, it should be noted that you have to be crazy to play this game anyway.

                                                 
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